I was inspired by a line I heard from an On Being podcast, something along the lines of perhaps happiness isn't always a pursuit, but sometimes we need to stop and let it catch up with us. I've found it hard to slow down in recent years, as there are always things that I feel the need to pursue: photography, travel, friendships, job, academics, or even just the nature surrounding me.
But today, I'm letting happiness catch up with me. I'm finally figuring out how to safely get the over 3,000 photos from the past 4 months off my iPhone. This has taken me longer than I would have liked, causing intense technological frustration. Thankfully, I went to yoga for 90 minutes this morning, which was a surprise to find when I got there, but welcomed. I organized my room a bit more, rearranging the haphazard organizing that occurred when I first moved in and I basically threw all of my belongings in drawers, on the bookcase and under my bed, not to mention stuffing all kinds of things into the my closet (my tarp from the summer is still bound up tight). My window is open and a warm breeze is coming through - probably one of the last ones as we are heading into Fall all too quickly. I've got candles lit and am thoroughly enjoying Lord Huron's Lonesome Dreams.
Another thing that's going on in the back of my mind, is that I'm reflecting back over the summer and the girls that I worked with out there for a couple eight-day shifts. Recently, Emma Watson gave a speech at the UN about her organization He for She about feminism, which I found myself resonating with - nodding my head at my iPhone as a I watched it. She talked about how feminism became such a dirty word, but all it means is to believe that women should have the same rights as men - that's it.
Now, I'm not going to focus on feminism per se, but I will focus on the girls I saw this summer. The girls who struggled with esteem - having to try and convince themselves that they were enough, worthy, and should stop trying to bear the emotional burdens of their families. The girls who constantly smiled and sought to rescue one another from their negative emotions, saying "sorry" for what was not their fault. To me, these are symptoms of girls growing up in a world where they may be encouraged not to be confident, to expect less, and keep on smiling. They feel shame for never ever being good enough and call boys who treat them without respect their boyfriends if they happen to text them back.
Recently, I was listening to This American Life, a story about a woman who was a federal regulator, speaking out about the irresponsibility of Goldman Sachs. It was a fascinating story, but what frustrated me most was hearing a recording of a supervision session with her boss, where he told her that she was "breaking eggs" and her "shoulders were too sharp" and she was "arrogant". What I wondered was if she had been a man, would she have been called arrogant, or confident?
I don't really know. But what I do know, is that girls are courageous, strong, beautiful, and smart. I think this is one of the reasons that I love seeing girls out in the wilderness, where their bodies and their personalities are accepted as they are and they have the space to challenge themselves. It's true even for me: I feel the most beautiful when I am the most dirty. We're talking I rub my hands and peels of dirt come off dirty. It's not the dirt that causes me to feel beautiful, but it's because I'm in a place where there is no pressure to be anything more than all my imperfections combined, because it's those qualities that make me who I am. It's not until I'm there that I realize the intensity of the pressures we walk around in daily that nudge us towards believing that we are not enough... and girl are those forces strong.
It is when I find my way back to that place of enough-ness (often a tricky place to find) that happiness can catch up with me. Here's Lord Huron's Lonesome Dreams and some drawings from my time out there. Enjoy :)
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