Learning Living Loving

I got pretty big this year (@ Sparks Lake)

It's been a minute. We've welcomed a little new addition to our family, Mr. William Jordan Guest. Every day I am overwhelmed with gratitude of what a miracle this little guy is.

The weather is turning chilly now; we just had our first couple dustings of snow. I've been enjoying:

Putting cardamom in my coffee.

Reading articles and listening to podcasts in the morning. Some I've recently enjoyed: The Evangelical Vote, America's Two Souls, Conspiracy

Going on chilly walks and seeing the mountains that now have some snow on them. 

Dreaming of buying a wood-burning stove. 

Buying books, yes books - real, tangible, things that I can hold and look through pictures and read words that are not on a screen. Love that sh*!. Bought this book recently and enjoy flipping through it for inspiration for cozy small spaces. 

SNL is baaaaaack. Love this guy's monologues, always. 

Thank you, Madame Vice President. Madame!

Wondering whether to pull the trigger on matching family pajamas....! We already have deer pajamas for the little guy that were given to us. 

Ewan McGregor's motorcycle series The Long Way Up, along with The Long Way Round and The Long Way Down. I love traveling because it reminds me of how big and diverse the world is and there's something sobering about that. 

This vegan cookbook. We're not vegan. The reason I bought this was so I could make decent-tasting vegetable meals. The recipes in this book truly are easy and tasty - they make me feel like a big girl cook. 

Making photo books on this website. They are 15% off just now. 

Might have to snag this delightful little set... for you know, all those friends we have over these days *crying laughing*

Excited for the return of this wintry delightful rom com series. It's a great time to start season 1. Even if you hate winter, this will make you want to go to Oslo!

As we navigate this divided political season, where America feels like a bipolar country, may we be reminded that "all behavior makes sense." I live by this mantra when doing therapy. Most of us have reasons for why we believe what we believe or what motivates our actions. Understanding that and then forging a way forward is the big work ahead. Let's hope we can get there. 

Little Feet

Cape Kiwanda, Oregon

Closing Out the Decade

Our tree has a heart this year

I actually started this little place for writing back in 2010. I've written a post (or more) every year EXCEPT for this one! So I just had to slip one in so that 2019 wouldn't pass me by. This was my first entry:

This is my first chapter to a blog.

Once upon a time
there was a kingdom.

It was named Beverly
and rested on the North Shore
of Massachusetts.

Post adolescence
resided there.

They danced and played in their kingdom.

They worked and drank.

They made friends
and relationships.

Some moved on, some came back.

This is the story about one who is moving on.
And her travels here
and there
and beyond.

I often feel nostalgic for those Beverly days. Those days of walking to Atomic Cafe where a handful of my friends would naturally be convening for a delicious cup of coffee. My friend and I dreamt of a day where we would have a pipeline that would send a cup to our apartment and save us the walk. That cafe is actually no longer there, as it outgrew it's spot and moved across the street into a bigger and more modern space. I actually have yet to visit and go inside. After college, I often itched to get out of Beverly and travel the world - but I am often so glad I stayed, to grow some roots that I would enjoy returning to in the future. I often feel that my life experiences are connected by small strings, which could have been strung a variety of ways if not for a few chance decisions.

That new chapter referred to leaving and going down to South America, where I would travel for a few months. I learned about pisco sours, ceviche, and the joys of dancing. I saw Machu Picchu, Buenos Aires, the Atacama Desert, Cuenca, and wandered the streets of Santiago, Chile. I concluded that South America is like the heart and North America is more the head. Down there, I was able to nap and value kindness over productivity; I believe this is a value that brought me to the west coast. 

Returning to the Northeast, I entered into the wonderfully fun community of the ropes course and outdoor education. I lived on that beautiful North Shore again, finding roommates that could laugh with me about Justin Bieber, host bonfires, and have impromptu dance parties. I was still on South America time for a bit there, finding that going out at 10 pm was a fine time. We would go into Boston sometimes and go dancing, along with lots of adventures on the North Shore.

Loving that North Shore

I decided to give the city a try. I had a chance encounter with an acquaintance from Gordon, in Atomic Cafe of course, where she said they were actually looking for a housemate in Somerville. I met them in their little house and decided to make the move. Here I made some new friends, most notably my French roommate and her friends, who reminded me of my European roots. 

My housemate and I both applied to grad school that year. I visited UNH for their dual degree program with outdoor education and social work which felt just right. I got a housing situation as a house mom for a sorority - not a likely choice for me, but helped with finances. Up to New Hampshire I moved. 

I survived a year as the house mom of that sorority; it was actually my first time living in a space by myself, which felt kind of nice and kind of lonely. It was also the first time I didn't have access to a kitchen to make my own food, which was hard. Friends actually came and would stay with me every once in awhile and also my family who crowded in that small two-room apartment. 

That summer I decided to be a field guide, since I was learning about wilderness therapy but had never actually witnessed it. I was interested in the PNW, but didn't want the rain. I heard about a site in Bend, OR, and applied to the program. I had never heard of Bend and pretty much forgot Oregon was a state. However, over that previous New Year I had gone to New Mexico to visit a friend, and one of her friends had said "I think Oregon is one of the most beautiful states." Oregon? I bookmarked that and remembered it when this idea of Bend came up. 

I drove across the country in four days to Bend, OR, so I could arrive for orientation as a field guide. I spent a week in the Juniper trees, experiencing wilderness therapy - learning to make a fire with two sticks. I was hired on as a guide for the summer and spent a few weeks in the field. I fell in love with Bend; it was this small enough/big enough mountain town where everyone seemed to be always going on an adventure. I made field guide friends and had a really laid back summer exploring Oregon. 

Then I drove all the way back to the East coast for grad school year #2. I lived in Portsmouth with people my age this time - much better. I enjoyed New England, but wished I was out west. That coming summer I was shooting for an internship in Durango, Colorado, but was encouraged not to go there. Instead, I returned to Bend the next summer. It was good that I did because this is the summer that I met my husband.

First Photo, Best Hike

I sadly left Bend again and drove back across the country to finish up one more class of grad school. I lived with a good friend in Massachusetts and Jordan visited. I facetimed everyday with him until we road tripped back to Bend in January, to stay. 

It was around then that my life seemed to switch to a dial of settling. During this second half of the decade, we went on adventures around Oregon and I would travel back to the East coast when I could over the next few years. This past year felt like a culmination of what this decade was leading up to: we got married, got a house, and I finished my LCSW. Is this adulthood? Have I arrived? I even have a retirement account now. 

There were other events of this decade. I lost three grandparents. My nephew was born. There were weddings. Trips to Scotland. Lots of travel around the USA. I experienced setbacks, challenges, heartbreak, and success. I learned that life is more chaotic than we realize and we must always cling to hope. As my friend said: have hope for the future and grace for the past. I'm curious what this decade will bring. Maybe I'll write more :)

Best Snow Day

Namaste... Please Vote

Fall Was Here

This is what the yoga instructor said at the end of class the other day, right after we had all declared "Ohhhhmmmmmm" together and bowed with our hands over our hearts.  She is from somewhere else - she has an accent that I can't place on my own, I'd have to ask her.  I'd guess somewhere in Europe - maybe Germany?  Or Eastern Europe?  I believe she used to be a ballerina, which is why she's such a great yoga instructor.  I hadn't been to a yoga class since January, and knew the last one of the 5-pack I bought was about to expire, so I stretched for the first time in awhile (and am still sore).  I try to catch her classes because they're usually slightly challenging, but not too much.  Everyone smiled and laughed to themselves as she hesitantly added the part about voting at the tail-end of her namaste.

In the book I'm reading, Songs Without Words by Ann Packer, one of the characters actually mentions that "Namaste" means "my soul acknowledges your soul."  This seems to apply to voting, particularly nowadays when so much rage is being stirred up towards immigrants.  I opened up the news again, to read about the president's plans to send thousands of troops to our border and stop immigrants from coming into this country.  I don't watch him very often, but in the clips I've heard or seen, he always makes sure to mention that these people are "animals" or "not the nicest people" or something of that sort - drug dealers, criminals, etc.

So this is where my maternity leave money is going - to support thousands of troops to stop weaponless, desperate people who seem to have no other choice than walk hundreds of miles away from their conflict?

What always floors me, is that our president is married to an immigrant.

Awhile ago, I listened to a RadioLab trilogy series about the US border.  One of my takeaways from it was that no matter what gets put on the border, people will find a way to get here.  If there's a bigger wall, then they will take boats.  And what about airports?  My question is - why do people want to come here anymore?  If I knew that my children could be taken from me at the border of Canada, and that some troops were waiting for me, I would steer clear.  But maybe things are just that bad where these people are coming from - they must be.

I'm not sure that Americans can connect with the feeling of having to physically leave their home - to wake up one morning and start walking.  I can't imagine what that must be like.  Over here, they talk about Cascadia - when the earthquake scheduled to sever San Francisco causes all the volcanos connected with it to explode and tsunamis to take out Seattle and the Oregon Coast.  I wonder if that would be the time, that people would just start walking to escape the danger that is coming.  Terrifying, right?

But my bigger question is, why are we de-humanizing immigrants?  If America really wants to crack down on drugs, have police raid the private schools, wall street, and fraternities.  If the government wants some of their money back - stop corporations from finding loopholes to not pay thousands, probably millions, of tax dollars.  Maybe hold the people on wall street who sunk our economy accountable.  Why do we not think to "go after" the wealthy?  That is where the real money is, the expensive drugs, and the people who support the drug industry - why are we picking on the people who can't even afford a car or plane ticket to get their family to safety?

The de-humanization is the scariest part.  We see things like genocide in Rwanda and think, how can that happen?  When I was there, I heard about how neighbors were physically killing their neighbors.  The radio station called a certain tribe "cockroaches" and would just say it over and over again on the airwaves.  We think, how can a country get to that point?  My grandfather always said the Germans were smart people.  But isn't that the rhetoric that we're hearing now?  Immigrants constantly de-humanized by our commander in chief and millions of tax dollars put towards stopping their "invasion"?  He's already called them animals - why not get more specific and say cockroaches?

Anyway, I personally love people from other countries - they're in my family and they are my family.  They're my Mom, my friends, and some of the coolest, smartest, and best people I know.  President Trump likes them so much that he married one.

My soul acknowledges your soul.  Namaste.

(Please Vote)

Can't Believe These Leaves Are Already Gone

Thoughts on Things

Three Fingered Jack Burn Area

I've gone through phases where I've read the news and tried to keep up with things.  In college, I had a professor who encouraged us to read at least 15 minutes a day - maybe with our breakfast or something.  I had BBC News as my home page during college, which later changed to NPR - once I discovered NPR.  Over the past couple years, I've pretty much lived under a rock as much as I can and stayed away from the news for a variety of reasons.  Every time I do seem to open it up, there seems to be a piece of our country that is falling apart, again.

Yesterday, I discovered that the Perkins Loans - which helped low-income kids go to college - was not renewed in 2017.  It was blocked by the Senate at the time.  As someone who could only go to undergraduate and graduate school because of student loans, decisions like that break my heart.  I am waiting for the day when my Income-Based Repayment Plan, which will allow my loans to be forgiven after 10 years of service to a government organization, non-profit, etc. - will be overturned.  I've heard that I am grandfathered in - but again, my heart breaks for future generations of smart kids who will struggle even more to find their way.

Today, I decided to look at the news.  First article that popped up - potentially changing the law so that people born in this country from parents who are not citizens would not automatically become citizens.  I have to admit, I have also always felt this was a strange way to become a citizen.  I've had friends who lived in this country their whole life legally and after college had to return to their home country due to not actually having been born here.  I've likewise met people with foreign accents who have never lived in America, but are citizens because they happened to be born here while their parents were working here.  The pathways to citizenship are a bit strange in America - birth, marriage... what else?

Anyway, what's more disturbing, is that President Trump thinks he can overturn this law with an executive order.  I'm not sure if he can or not, but this is what I find scary nowadays - the idea that a president has this much power, and a president that I personally wouldn't even trust with my lunch money.

And why are we focused on this, right now?

My brother lives in Montreal, Canada. In Canada, a parent can take leave before and after their child is born and receive 80% of their paycheck the first year.  The second year, the parent can receive 60% of their pay.  Childcare is free and the childcare is good.  My brother's children will be able to go to college for free or an affordable price.  They will never worry about basic healthcare coverage.  People in Montreal don't move to neighborhoods because "the schools are good" - because all the public schools are good.  The same amount of taxes get pulled out of his paycheck as mine - high 20s/30%.  My family's property taxes are more in rural New Jersey than they are for my brother, who lives in the Montreal metro area.  Sales tax is higher - but hey, when you're strapped for childcare in this country, who's buying things anyway?

These things, that my brother will not have to worry about - are conversations that I have all the time with my friends.  Conversations surrounding how our kids will go to college, how we will live on one income or afford childcare, what to do about health insurance when a job is lost, how college debt is holding us back from buying houses, how to even save money, etc. etc.  My friend worked practically until her due date, yet my sister-in-law will be able to start taking maternity leave months before the child is born.  Here a woman will use all of her vacation and sick time to have maybe 6 weeks off approved, returning to work - after having a baby - with none of it left.  That's probably best-case scenario.

How do we even do it in this country??

I am also continually amazed by how so many Americans continue to work so hard, living on low wages and believing that if they continue to work hard, things will be better.  I am the same.  It's all we can do - find more work, work longer hours, think of new business ventures - try and make it work.  I found this story a perfect portrayal of the America that I know - the ones who still believe that if you're not making it, it's on you - and that the ones who've made it worked hard to get there.  The ones who are loyal and continue to have good faith in those they believe in.

95% of the people who I have seen "make it" have had help, or there was something that they didn't have to worry about - their parents gave them their first car, grandparents paid for college, parents helped them get their first home, money was left to them by their grandparents, etc.  There is often one HUGE thing that they didn't have to worry about.  Most of us middle class kids have safety nets too - parents who jump in when times are tough, not to mention the ones who just use their parents' credit card until they're 30.  But even then, this help is not sustainable for a lot of us who wonder - or know - that we will never be able to do the same for our kids.

These are just the common things I see, the experiences that I have.  This doesn't include the countless Americans whose lives are shatter due to a cancer diagnosis, getting caught up needlessly in the criminal justice system, a job termination due to someone not liking them that affects their ability to get employed or receive unemployment, a business that suddenly takes a dive, or mental health or substance use issues that strap a family for years.

But the America I know, will keep blaming themselves.  They must not be trying hard enough, working hard enough, praying hard enough, or something.  America, you deserve so much more than this.  We are one of the wealthiest nations in the world - where the heck is it going?

This is just my own personal reflection.  Again, you may have noticed, I didn't even know NPR existed until college.  I grew up in a small, rural, white town, full of beautiful scenery and church-going people - where democrats were a rare breed and might be elitist or defensive.  I grew up with people who depend on each other when times are tough - meals from friends, money from the offering plate, free labor from a neighbor, friends taking care of the kids and picking them up from school.  These are the people who see the world through a framework of work ethic, reputation, and morals - not systems, privilege, or race.  I think it's vital, for the health of our country, that these two worlds somehow merge - as they have for me, at least - because I know that we are all after the same thing.

I'm not some whiney liberal complaining about the world burning, an educated academic sitting in my ivory tower, an environmentalist hippy crunchin' around in the forest, an aloof traveler spouting the best ways to live, an idealist floating above the reality of life and work, or a naive white girl trapped in some bubble.  Or maybe I am all of those things and more.  Who knows.

But what I do know, is that I'm an American.  I love my country and I am working pretty hard to make it out there - whatever "making it" means.  For me, it would be to not have children while still having housemates.  Let's realize this dream!

Thanks for reading and thinking with me.

The Future

I Vote for Fall!

Down By the Deschutes River Trail

It's that time of year again... voting!  Yes, people!  VOTE.

In Oregon, you receive a booklet in the mail that informs you of all the candidates and measures that will appear on your ballot.  We do not vote at polls, but rather, receive our ballot in the mail and can either drop it off at a location or send it in.  I imagine it's because Oregon is such a freakin' huge state that it makes it easier for people to vote out in the middle of nowhere.

I really appreciate this booklet, however, it is difficult to sit down and make sense of some of the issues.  This makes me think that democracy may not be the greatest system - who am I to decide whether we should amend the constitution regarding the government's ability to tax groceries or not?  I am not nearly knowledgeable enough of all the intended and unintended consequences on this decision.  And that's just one of them.

The booklet includes arguments in favor and opposition, so that you can maybe get a better sense of what is going on.  It also includes descriptions of candidates that they have written and sent in.  While reading them, I tired to imagine what I would think about their descriptions without looking at which political party they're affiliated with.

The thing is, gosh, every decision comes with consequences.  I guess I just want to vote for some smart people to do the work for me, please.

I remember learning about Kurt Hahn and John Dewey and their different takes on democracy.  Kurt Hahn was coming out of WWII and believed you couldn't trust people to vote in a democracy due to propaganda.  He was Jewish and experienced the effects of a government going haywire by the votes of the people, having to flea to England.  He believed that the best way was to have the educated, wealthy, elite make the decisions as they may be more knowledgeable than the vulnerable everyday person easily taken in.  John Dewey, on the other hand, believed that everybody needs to be properly educated so that they can become a responsible citizen.  Things to think about.

Now get on out there and be a wicked smart voter.

Dillon Falls

The Lovely Deschutes

Aqua Love

Lavaaaa

Fuzzy Branches

Fluff is in the Air

Those Aspens

Those Aspens 2

Rainbow Aspen

Prehistoric

Grace

Jefferson Park, Mt. Jefferson Wilderness

There's something about Cat Power.  She's got a new song out, Wanderer, that I already just love.  The Greatest used to echo the walls of our post-college rather empty apartment, during a time when we had cardboard boxes for side tables and no furniture.  I easily romanticize it now - backyard fire pit and hammock is all you need, within walking distance to a coffee shop - even better.  The room had to be empty in order to hold our thoughts and feelings - 

and dance parties. 

Now, listening to her lyrics, and actually reading what she's saying, I'm realizing that she is, in fact, a poet.  Her voice is her instrument and I'm hearing what she was writing all along. 

Once I wanted to be the greatest
No wind or waterfall could stall me
And then came the rush of the flood
Stars at night turned deep to dust

Sunrise from Aubrey Butte

It's been a summer of biking.  I've been riding my bike in the early morning and was seeing the sunrise, but this has slowly shifted to the moonshine and stars.  The other morning, the moon almost looked like an eclipse - a silhouette of a circle in the curve of a bright crescent.  Sometimes the horizon looked like it was on fire, or actually was on fire - with the haze of the smoke.  I dive down Mt. Washington drive and cruise past the sprinklers through a burst of cool moisture from the Deschutes River.  I've been more in tune with the tilt of the earth and the changing of the seasons, when the night sky is emerging and the temperature is dropping.

Book Party on Orcas Island

It's been a summer of books.  I've completed The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, An American Marriage, The Testament of Gideon Mack, The Dive from Clausen's Pier, and am currently working on The Ensemble as well as Little Fires Everywhere.  I have rediscovered the value of the library - having forgotten that it was there.  Free books and movies?  How could I have forgotten?!  I have not read this much since The Babysitters Club and Nancy Drew.  Here's a memorable quote:

“But home isn't where you land; home is where you launch. You can't pick your home any more than you can choose your family. In poker, you get five cards. Three of them you can swap out, but two are yours to keep: family and native land.” - Tayari Jones, An American Marriage

Puppy Headed to the Ocean

Me and Puppy at the Coast

Mt. Jefferson

Mt. Jefferson, Sunset, and Moonrise

Mountain Flowers

The Reality of Mosquitos

Flower Fields for Days

Spoiled by Feasts on Orcas Island

Just Both Needing Haircuts

Paddling with Puppy

The Madrona Tree on Orcas Island

Arriving at Waldo Lake

Night Sky Over Waldo Lake

Last Morning at Waldo Lake

An Evening Paddle at Crescent Lake

It's been a summer of adventures.  Memorial Day weekend kicked off our summer with a backpacking trip to to the coast, followed by days of my parents visiting, a trip to the East Coast, reunion with camp friends (and the unsuccessful search for the tin), girls' trip backpacking through the Jefferson wilderness, weekends spent lake swimming and SUPping, celebration with friends on Orcas Island, and topping it off with camping at Waldo Lake.  Now I can feel the heat leaving us and can't believe the leaves are starting to change.  I'm starting my search for pumpkin-flavored items.  

Me, Ander, and Mr. Buckley

It's been a summer of grace. Little moments of gratefulness have flooded this summer in the midst of changes, challenges and the usual curve balls that life tends to throw at you. There's a sweet spot between struggle and success that keeps you alive - in the sense of, you feel the moves and shakes of this world rather than caught in a hamster wheel of routine. This is growth. It doesn't happen all the time, but when you're in it, linger uncomfortably just a little - life can be full of too much numbing routine that lets us settle for too long.

Florence and the Machine came out with a new album. Her song Grace speaks to it.

But this is the only thing I've ever had any faith in
Grace, I know you carry us
Grace, and it was such a mess
Grace, I don't say it enough
Grace, you are so loved

May you continue to wander with grace.  Now, bring on the Fall.

Snapshots of a Mental Health Crisis Worker (2)

(3) Moon River.

Do you want to know what I think?
What do you think?
I think she’s a lost cause. 

A nurse shared that with me at the emergency department regarding a fifteen year old female who I was sending to acute psychiatric treatment. A lost cause at fifteen. This was our fifth time seeing this girl - I will refer to as Moon River - over the past two years. We had seen her for multiple overdoses and self-harm.

“I am NOT going to another program,” Moon said to me, while I was asking her some questions. “Are you the one who decides that? I just want to go home, participate in therapy… I just want to go home.”  She said, staring at me with wide eyes, remnants of mascara and eye make-up shadowing them.   

Moon sat on the bed with heart rate monitors on her chest. She had the longest fingernails and rings on every finger. She reached down next to her to pull up a bag onto the hospital bed.

“Is that your bag?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“What are you doing?”
“I’m just getting my make-up. Ugh, I look terrible! I’m so sorry.” she says as she holds up a mirror to her face and re-applies.
“Well, most people don’t look their best in a hospital, you know?”

"You're not going to send me to a program are you?"

Moon describes feeling upset that the substances did not kill her and stated that she wouldn’t be trying them again, since they didn’t work. She talked about wanting to die, everyday, all the time, and only felt better when she was high.

Moon was pissed at me for referring her to treatment. I told her that was okay, she could be mad at me. She was starting to get more escalated and I said - being mindful of how high her heart rate already was,

"We’ll just take it one day at a time."
"What does that mean?"

Mmmmm, good call - not much...  I also find that the kids who have the guts to abuse substances are also good at calling you out on bull*%& statements.

“It means right now you can focus on just getting better tonight.”  I said looking at her Mom, who was smiling at me.

Moon River is a song about drifting, not feeling a home, and never feeling truly loved. People are fascinated with you, yet don’t actively love you, and you continue drifting through the world searching for something - trying to reach your dreams - surrounded by superficial celebrities.  I imagine this girl was drifting, escaping, and struggling to trust and feel loved in the world. Without feeling this kind of connection, I can only imagine that I could feel the same way as her.  I hope maybe we can help her to try something different.

Moon river, wider than a mile
I'm crossin' you in style some day
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker
Wherever you're goin', I'm goin' your way

Two drifters, off to see the world

There's such a lot of world to see
We're after that same rainbow's end, waitin' 'round the Bend
My huckleberry friend, moon river, and me

Oh, and Moon, you are NOT a lost cause.  I kicked that nurse in the shins for you (just kidding).  I actually explained the situation more and the nurse seemed to have more empathy. 

We have to do that all the time.