Beautiful Things

 This summer has been so full.  I am thankful that the weather has cooled down and that I can now quietly sit here, with electric blanket, glass of wine, spiced cider candle, acoustic music, and just reflect.  I made chicken soup last night, too.

There was the backpacking and camping almost every weekend in this summer.  We've attended two weddings, one in Yosemite and the other in Charlotte, NC, and had friends or family visiting at least once a month.  I even snuck in a trip to Scotland at the beginning of August where I was able to see my Grandfather one month before he passed away.  The sweeties he gave me still sit on my closet shelf.  Below are some photos and experiences that come to mind from the summer.  I think Regina Spektor's new song, The Visit, off of Remember Us to Life, puts words to changing life.

The Visit

I'm so glad that you stopped in
And I had some things to say
But now they've been forgotten
They'll get said a different day
They'll get said a different way

'Cause everything keeps changing

Life is always raging
Beyond the walls and cages
Everybody changes
Til tomorrow's yesterday

I'm so glad that you stopped by

And I will not ask you why
It's just good to see you
You always make me smile
And you always make me sigh

Sometimes I still wonder

Why the sounds of distant thunder
Always pulled you under
Why you searched, but never found her
Why she always got away

And somewhere on the hill

Inside the past we hear the bells
Catching only parts of thoughts
And fragments of ourselves
Till we begin again

I'm so glad that you are here

And I know that it's been years
I'm just glad to see you
And there's no need for tears

Time's best friend is fear

That's how it can find us
And do it's greatest kindness
Always to remind us
That it's our only time inside
This body and this mind

And somewhere in my mind

Behind closed eyes, I see the past
Catching every moment that went by
To make it last till I begin again

La la la la la la la...

Jordan (and Summer) on his birthday at the coast

These are my two companions for the summer adventures (and most of the time).  This was taken on Jordan's birthday.  It's sunny in this photo, but when we arrived to camp at the beach I swear it was the only cloudy part of the state.  The mist was so thick that we had no idea the sun was setting - which is a particular bummer after a bright and sunny drive the whole way there.  We cooked in the mist and somehow ignited a fire despite the moisture.  Next year, I think it's going to be a hot tub and beer.

Wallawas Hike

The Wallawas are one of those wilderness/forest areas that requires hiking in to see the beauty.  Unlike national parks which provide paved roads for convenient epic views, the Wallawas is relatively unknown and the mountains shield you from the lakes and wildflowers within them.  It took me two summers in Bend before I realized there was this other wilderness area in the NE corner, with a few 9,000 peaks right next to each other.  Even though camping, hiking, and especially backpacking can feel tedious and uncomfortable, most of the time I believe it is the freshest way to experience the wilderness.  Waking up with the smell of fresh air right in your face and feeling the earth below you can be a nice change of pace.

I could not get over the amount of wildflowers along our trail in the Wallawas.  This was the hurricane creek trail which the Joseph Visitor Center guy described as "trail of instant gratification." We hiked through three separate fields of wildflowers during the golden hour.  There's something that I like about the above photo, even thought the trees are totally blocking the view of the mountain.

So many wildflowers in the Wallawas

The summer can be tricky in Bend because Bend becomes full of people, not only in the town but also all along the most beautiful trails and camping areas.  My friend had just returned to Bend from going through a few months of major surgery and recovery, participating in a live donation of part of her liver to her brother whose liver was failing.  Thankfully, everything turn out well and her brother is now on the road to full recovery and a healthy life.

We had wanted to do a backpacking trip but due to the heat, we headed out to Miller Lake where we were lucky enough to find a lakeside campsite.  We could put in the paddle-boards right down a small hill from where we camped.  Spending time by the water was a good choice.  In the morning, the lake resembled a mirror that we quietly paddle-boarded across.  It was so silent.  At night we got the fire going and Jordan played guitar for us and sang.  We made fajitas and cocktails.  Yes, this was glamping - somewhat.  I think it's fun to bring extras out to the woods - cilantro, sour cream, gin & tonic, limes.  The sunset on the water was this incredible hot pink.  What a way to end a summer day.

Paddleboarding on Miller Lake

Pink Cotton Candy Sunset on Miller Lake

Chilling after our hike up Green Lakes trail

I felt very intimated prior to our backpacking up in Green Lakes.  I read the weather report and saw that temperatures were going to dip into the 30s at night and remain only in the 50s during the day.  The Three Sisters Wilderness area also did not allow fires, which means even less warmth.  Sher and Eric were coming to town though and we were going to go for it.  I bought Jordan a backpack and sleeping bag for his birthday.  We were ready.  Right?  Being the first weekend in September, this was our first feel of Fall - which is exciting and also like, whoa!  Chilly.  We survived though and it was completely worth it.  Hiking out in the frost was magical, since everything was sparkling.  This is one step closer to winter camping for me.  Maybe.

In front of Broken Top on our way to No Name Lake

We hiked to No Name Lake our second day.  The day started out cold, but once we got moving, it was perfect hiking weather.  We hiked around the bottom of Broken Top Mountain with views of South Sister and Bachelor the whole way. 

No Name Lake

Me and South Sister

Sher and Eric, hiking back

You can see the alpine flowers in the above picture.  The lighting was perfect as we hiked down.  I woke up before sunrise the next morning and got out of our little tent (called "The Spaceship") to visit the lakes.  The lakes were still - again, that mirror quality.  Everything was covered in a silvery layer and the light was gentle.  This was the first sign of Winter.

Frosty Morning at Green Lakes

My toes/feet hurt so bad the whole 4 mile hike back to the parking lot.  Sure enough, they turned black and blue a couple days later.  I threw my hiking shoes away.

Hiking out of Green Lakes

BRAS backpacking trip

On our girls backpacking trip we realized that our initial spell BRAS - Brittney, Rachel, Ander, and Sarah.  I often forget the power of being in an all girls group and how I feel as a person when in them. In all girls company you can find the kind of solidarity and support around topics that might be taboo to talk about in public, like stuff to do with our bodies, babies, and relationships.  I just finished listening to Amy Schumer's Girl With the Lower Back Tattoo.  She writes about her own experience that humanize issues (ahem, that good ole "locker room banter") that females often face.  Jordan listened to it as well, all the way down to Yosemite.  But as great as Jordan is, it is still pretty great to spend time in all female company from time to time.  With a full on acronym for ourselves, we'll be sure to continue to have these experiences.

Hikinnnnnng

To the Lake

Packers

When Rachel caused Brittney's Teepee to fall down

Coffee

The most epic sanctuary

Emily and Tony's wedding was homegrown and as unique as they are.  I can't say I've ever been to a wedding with a backdrop like THIS.  To think that some people spend hundreds of thousands of dollars and you can get a backdrop like this for the cost of a permit.  Getting there required effort - an 10-11 hour drive, dealing with tourist traffic through the park, losing cell phone reception, and paying way too much for a gallon of gas (in the park).  Those were small costs to pay for the views of the company of these two and all of the personal touches of their wedding and ceremony.

In front of Half Dome

Half Dome Selfie

Looking out

Love this pie topper

Sweet elegance

Old Friends

These are just a few of the highlights from the Summer.  Now it's time to turn into the home, buy some candles to burn, and rest.  I believe that's what Fall and Winter are for.  I think a theme for these highlights would be, put simply, that all the best things in life are (relatively) free.

Water and Words

Crescent Lake, Oregon

The other weekend ago we spent some time in the Crescent Lake area of Oregon.  I was surprised, yet again, by the turquoise blue water of the lake peaking through the trees.  How magical.  Nature never seems to let up, everything is so beautiful - even a rainy day.  When I think of lakes, I've always imagined the ones I know on the East Coast: muddy, green water solely navigated by the brave and the desperately hot.  I imagine leeches sticking to my feet in the muddy quicksand  and emerging with sediments still sticking to my sunscreen as I try to find relief in the shade.

At Crescent, we paddled on top of little waves - great practice for an inexperienced paddle boarder.  I wish I could've brought my camera; our dog looked so miserably cold - Why have you brought me out here???  She's our separation-anxiety dog and would've most likely whined on the shoreline or sniffed every person and food item available.  She was barely able to hold it together on that paddle board and nestled for warmth as necessary.  Poor puppy.

I love the outdoors and sometimes that is all I need - a run, hike, or beautiful experience.  Other times I need words and verbal or written perspective.  I really appreciated this poem I came across the other day:

"When I Am Asked"
by Lisel Mueller

When I am asked
how I began writing poems,
I talk about the indifference of nature.

It was soon after my mother died,
a brilliant June day,
everything blooming.

I sat on a gray stone bench
in a lovingly planted garden,
but the day lilies were as deaf
as the ears of drunken sleepers,
and the roses curved inward.
Nothing was black or broken
and not a leaf fell
and the sun blared endless commercials
for summer holidays.

I sat on a gray stone bench
ringed with the ingenue faces
of pink and white impatiens
and placed my grief
in the mouth of language,
the only thing that would grieve with me.

I don't read enough.  It's too hard and too easy to watch a show or movie instead.  When I do come across words that can make sense of something deeper, it is such a gift.  I've had those moments where I feel like the world has stopped, but it hasn't.  While my world has changed, the rest of it seems to keep on going.

I've had the pleasure of hearing some music recently.  We heard Neko Case, Laura Veirs, and K.D. Lang; Mandolin Orange - a sweet folksy duo with thoughtful lyrics and beautiful violin, mandolin, and guitar; and I stopped by Bend's downtown Summerfest to hear Blind Pilot play for free.  Thank goodness for musicians, who bring thoughts and words to life.  Although nature may be indifferent, people are not.  We are all much too affected by the power of each other.

Keep creating songwriters, poets, writers, and artists, just as the nature around us does the same.

The Pool Boy

I'm not sure how this nickname came about... but this is how my Dad refers to Kevin: the pool boy.  We do not have a pool.  Since my brother never gave a best man speech - and unfortunately probably has the best stories to tell - perhaps this can serve as something.  I've known Kevin since he was probably around age 6 or so.  But the first time I remember laughing with Kevin, was sitting in his Mom's car or maybe it was Mrs. Ackerman's car, looking through tapes.  It was not uncommon to sit in the car in the church parking lot before our Moms came out ready to drive us home.  I was probably in middle school or so - can't remember.  We came across some kind of emotional/empowerment/encouraging tape that was entitled "Heart to Heart."  I believe we played it, but I can't even remember what it was about.  We just thought it was really funny - in the same vein as Stuart Smalley and his "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog gone it, people like me."  To this day we still refer to each other as "heart to heart sistas" or some variation of that.  One of my favorite Facebook posts from Kevin - back when people used to post personal/funny things - was this one from May 13, 2011 after he graduated college:

There are so many funny/my-face-hurts moments, stories, and photos, that I have shared with Kevin - and Alan.  Kevin sent me 2 Kenny G CDs for my birthday one year.  He, my brother, and I have spent a couple New Years together - I remember one year we were discussing what the saddest songs ever are ("Brick" Ben Folds Five).  We had a Sufjan Stevens dance party one time in Alan's room.  While I was away at college, the two of them created a couple DVDs with a morning show called "Warm Ice Cream in the Morning" along with other sketches which they sent to me.  I found these in my basement recently and re-watched them at Christmas.  Kevin has spent Christmas with us and visited our family in Scotland with Alan and my Mom.  He is more than a pool boy - he is part of our family.

It is with all that, that I say, welcome to the family, Danielle.  I had a great time photographing your wedding and making ya'll stand out there in the hot sticky Monroe heat.  Cheers to you both!

(Oh - and here's a little Kenny G as a soundtrack for these photos)

***

Girl-cation

Newport, OR

Girl-cation.  

That's all I'm saying: 

Necessary, always. 

Maybe some of you know what I mean - 

(I mean, if you're a girl and you girl-cation)

Or even if you don't.

Or aren't. 

Isn't it nice to surround yourself 

with the words about 

what is coming 

and going - 

no matter where you are, really: 

here, there - 

as long as there's thoughts

put into words and dreams, 

hopes and fears turned into 

questions, answers left 

at the door - 

and contemplations

sing.

Poetry & Chaos

Multnomah Falls

"I always say that poetry is language against which you have no defenses...that moment in a conversation where you have to have the other person understand what you’re saying. And sometimes, it’s when you’re delivering terrible news, news of a death or an accident. And you have to tell the other person, and they have to hear it. And you have to say it in such a way that it’s heard fully. But you have to say it, also, with the intimacy of care and of understanding at the same time." 

David Whyte

Sometimes I like to listen to podcasts to tune my mind into a different conversation.  As I was driving to the Redmond ER the other day, I was listening to On Being (one of my favorite reflective podcasts).  Whenever my mind focuses on "the broken [mental health] [you name it] system" I can become pretty judgmental of reflections offered by poets, writers, and thoughtful intellectuals.  Great ideas, hard to put into practice.  The boy I was headed to visit in the ER was there because his former placement and family doubted they could keep him safe from himself or others.  He could become aggressive in different ways.  There was nowhere for him to be placed at the moment besides a windowless room in the ER with glass sliding doors letting in whatever crisis may be happening in that pocket of the hospital.  He had to stay calm and wait for the conversations of mental health professionals to finally find at a solution, which could take days.

My mind was skipping back to the scene from that night before, where I had a sweeping feeling that this client would possibly throw something at my supervisor and I when we delivered the news that he would be staying in the ER that night.  "This is NOT going to work for me!" he said, his hands crumpling the sheets between his fingers and his eyes quickly shifting from content to desperate.  I glanced at all the objects in the room that he could possible detach and throw at us.  I became quickly in tune with his body posture.  How this interaction would end seemed so uncertain.  

As I was getting closer to the hospital, I heard this poet start talking about the poetics of conversation (quoted above).  In my mind, I thought, blah... but then, the part about communication being like poetry in which the person you are speaking with may "have no defenses" caught me.  Hmm... thinking. 

When I arrived to the ER, this client was sitting up on his bed watching cartoons.  I opened the sliding glass door and said, "I don't know how you were able to sleep here last night." 

"I know," he said. 

I wasn't kidding either.  I mean, nobody wants to be in the ER (no fresh air!) and mental health professionals certainly don't prescribe it as effective treatment.  He doesn't want to be there, we don't want him to be there, the ER certainly doesn't want him there - there's just nowhere else for him to go yet.  And so, in the waiting, we have conversation.  He told me all the reasons why he can't stay there and I agreed with every single one, which was the truth.  Trying to sleep in the ER sucks.  He just had to wait it out the best he could, which he was doing.  The room became full of big sighs and rolling eyes as we endured this frustrating situation together.

*

This past week, I also had the pleasure of visiting a few waterfalls - the kinds of waterfalls I have never experienced.  Sometimes nature provides a revelation or two.  The words "wonderful" and "awesome" were brought to life in a way that East Coast waterfalls don't typically inspire in me.  Watching the water fall from such a height to land so gracefully is smile-forcing.   I could also tell the water was slowly eroding the rocks it spilled off of, so much so that one day the water would eventually transform it into a different place.  Everything is always changing.

Change is the norm, not control.  Our surroundings and ourselves are always vulnerable - we're always coping coping coping with loss, newness, frustrations, wonders, and change.  Vulnerability is one of those trendy words these days, but I still like it.  I agree with Brene Brown who talks about how to grow up is to become more vulnerable.  And lastly, I will end with David Whyte's words regarding vulnerability:

Excerpt from Consolations:

“Vulnerability is not a weakness, a passing indisposition, or something we can arrange to do without; vulnerability is not a choice, vulnerability is the underlying, ever present, and abiding under-current of our natural state. To run from vulnerability is to run from the essence of our nature; the attempt to be invulnerable is the vain attempt to become something we are not and most especially to close off our understanding of the grief of others. More seriously, in refusing our vulnerability, we refuse the help needed at every turn of our existence and immobilize the essential, tidal and conversational foundations of our identity.

“To have a temporary, isolated sense of power over all events and circumstances is a lovely, illusionary privilege and perhaps the prime and most beautifully constructed conceit of being human and especially of being youthfully human, but it is a privilege that must be surrendered with that same youth, with ill health, with accident, with the loss of loved ones who do not share our untouchable powers, powers eventually and most emphatically given up as we approach our last breath. The only choice we have as we mature is how we inhabit our vulnerability, how we inhabit our vulnerability, how we become larger and more courageous and more compassionate through our intimacy with disappearance. Our choice is to inhabit vulnerability as generous citizens of loss, robustly and fully, or conversely, as misers and complainers, reluctant, and fearful, always at the gates of existence, but never bravely and completely attempting to enter, never wanting to risk ourselves, never walking fully through the door.”

http://www.onbeing.org/program/david-whyte-the-conversational-nature-of-reality/8560

Tamanawas Falls